Revision of expository essay | English homework help

Teachers feedback:

This is an interesting essay on a good topic. I thought the organization of the essay was informative and well-supported. To improve: You could add an introductory paragraph that draws the reader in with a vivid detail or interesting statistic and gives your succinct thesis, telling the reader where you are going with the essay. You could also add more personal detail to explanations of the features–you are listing them, and you have to find a way to make the reader care about having this car or not. Think about a car review in something like Car & Driver magazine. It doesn’t just list specifications, but tells you why you, as a driver, should care about it. Your percentage of quoted material reflects this–add some analysis to the details to make the essay more interesting to a reader. Also, work on paragraph structure–there are a number of very short paragraphs.
 

Please revise the highlighted and follow the rubric (attached) and info below. Thank you!

Original document attached too. 

Revision: Expository Essay 2

Revise your second expository essay (from Week 6).

  • Be sure to conduct major revisions, to edit, and to proofread
    • Your changes should be thorough, apparent, and well-considered
  • Use the strategies, guidelines, and checklists included in our Week 5 lectures and/or readings
  • In the same document as the revision, include a paragraph reflecting on the revision process
    • Which step – major revisions, editing, or proofreading – did you find easiest?
    • Which step hardest?
    • What have you learned about your writing by revising it?
    • What are the areas for improvement you see in your writing?